I'm a Christian and a minister, so forgiveness is supposed to be one of those things that I have expertise in. But for some reason, I've been having trouble with a few aspects of the subject lately. I think part of it is that I'm about to move and leave behind the opportunity to seek forgiveness from people or situations that I want to. But that's only a minor complication, really. Allow me to explain.

In the course of my job I have had to do a few unpleasant things. I've fired two people. I've openly opposed Board members who were later effectively removed. And I feel badly about it. I wish I hadn't had to do it. But I did. I can't even wish to take back what I did because it needed to be done for the good of the theatre and in order to fulfill my duties to the organization. I want to feel like I don't need to be forgiven for what I did. But on some level I do. Even if I can't actually say I did anything wrong.

When I started seminary, I had a much narrower outlook on life and theology. One time, in a class, I made a disparaging remark about a certain political point of view to the girl sitting next to me. I just took it for granted that all Christians thought the same about certain things. She reacted strangely, although I didn't understand why at the time, and it was only later as I replayed that incident in my head that I realized I had offended her. That was almost six years ago and I have no idea where she is now. I couldn't even begin to say that I think she remembers it. But I do. And I can't ask her pardon.

Another time, I made a comment in class to a professor that I'm sure no one else remembers and everyone else has blown off, but remains one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. During a time of prayer requests, I noted that the Texas legislature was allowing moments of silence in school and that the students would follow the lead of the teachers in how to react and that we should pray for the teachers for guidance. The teacher reacted politely, but in an eye-opening moment of instruction said that not everyone might feel the same way about the "moment of silence" issue. That was one of the first times I really dug deeper into the complicated world of politics/religion and realized that I had been naive in listening to the most strident and boisterous voices that claimed to represent my faith. I would like nothing more than to apologize for my insensitivity and thank that professor for so gently teaching me one of the most important lessons that I learned in seminary. But that professor died three years ago. And I can't say anything to her now.

Oh, God, and there are others. But knowing that I need to seek forgiveness from God and live a life changed by that forgiveness, and actually doing it are two different things. Living with the knowledge that there are people out there who think poorly of me because of offhanded or thoughtless things I've done or said saddens me deeply. I'm even sadder knowing that I've changed and grown in ways that would not allow me to say or do those things now. And I can't make it right.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking about this Sunday.