You would think that I'd be satisfied if not thrilled with all the attention I've been getting lately. But even though articles like this one come out highlighting all the great things I've been up to, I find material worthy of cachinnation. And as usual... it's at my expense.
Let's start with this picture:
I was running my mouth for the better part of an hour at this meeting. They chose that moment to take the picture?!?! That's the gayest looking picture I've ever seen of myself! And I have a degree in theatre! I have no idea what I was actually talking about there, so I'm going to need for you, my beloved Cachinnatees, to provide a caption for that picture.
Then there was the greatness of what happened after the meeting. (And by "greatness" I mean utter humiliation and degradation of me.) One of the attendees of the meeting is the new director of the Central Texas African-American Chamber of Commerce. She expressed her concern that we be open and inviting to the minority community. In an effort to show her that I had been listening to her and that I, a very very white man, took her concerns seriously, I wanted to address her by her name when we spoke after the meeting.
Sidebar: I never - ever - use somebody's name unless I'm 100% sure what it is. It's like my rule about not addressing a woman's pregnancy no matter how far out her belly is sticking or even if she is wearing a "Bun in the oven" t-shirt. Until she says something, I will pretend to not even notice. It's safer that way. Similarly, I will always dodge calling someone by their name unless I'm totally sure of it to avoid any potential embarrassment. It's just better that way for everyone.
So after the meeting, this lady comes up to me and says, "Mr. Baker, may I speak with you?" I immediately go into superhero speed. (That's where time slows down for everybody but me. The synapses are firing in my brain at lightning pace as I process information faster than any normal human being could. Like in the first Spiderman movie where Peter Parker's spider-sense is working for the first time as he avoids being beaten by Flash Thompson.) I picture her name on the attendance sheet in front of me. I know it. I know I know it.
Therefore, I answer, "Yes, Levitra."
Levitra is not her name. It's the name of a medication for erectile dysfunction.
In my defense, I actually said, "Lavidra," but it came out Levitra.
Her name is not Lavidra either.
"Lavida," she corrects me.
"Lavida!" I exclaim. We go on to have a discussion about how I really do care that the African-American community feel welcome in the Downtown Merchants Association. The whole time I feel like I'm wearing a big white hood.
In my overactive imagination, I pictured her walking away muttering, "Damn cracker..."
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe she doesn't know that her name is really really close to sounding like a medicine for ED.
Dammit.
Quite Possibly the Stupidest Thing I've Ever Said (and I've Said Some Reeeeealy Stupid Things Before)
On
9:22 AM
12 Cachinnations
Caption, to be spoken in the most effeminate voice imaginable, complete with lisp:
"Oh. my. gawd. Did you see the color of those drapes? Hello? They were like so 2006. I thought I was going to die..."
And about the name thing. Poor Lavida. I hope she has a sense of humor. I wonder how many people have called her "Lavida Loca".
Posted on 7/05/2007
Yeah, that's a good one. Giant laughter. (Both parts.) You might as well have called her Lemanjello.
Caption for the picture, I have a couple... Ahem.
1. And I am so tired of my oven mits fading in the washer. I mean, how am I expected to function as the chariman of the 'Baking for the Future Scholarship Fund' without quality oven mits. Pleeeeaase ladies. Wake up and smell the brands beyond Wallyworld.
2. Excuse me biiiatch. I was talking. Was I talking? I think I was.
3. Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
Fear not, we all know how dang macho you really are. Stand proud and tall hetero, no matter what the rest of Waco thinks now.
Posted on 7/05/2007
"Man from Waco's Gay Rights Association raves about Waco's finest and newest male hair growth facility for the balding homosexual."
During the course of the meeting's events, Mr. Cach I. Nator was heard addressing the following statement to the attending crowd, "Excuse me. Miss? Miss! Could you tell that man sitting next to you to pleeeease see me about a hair piece? I could so totally arrange that for him. Honestly, I can't even look at him."
Posted on 7/05/2007
Cach I. Nator leads a demonstration/discussion on the efficacy of public enemas.
Posted on 7/05/2007
I love the picture, you damn cracker.
Posted on 7/05/2007
I shared the story with my officemate, and we're both still laughing. Thanks for providing with some entertainment. At least that's something good that came out of it.
Posted on 7/05/2007
Complete with lisp and flapping arms, the Cachinnator expresses, "You absolutely have to see my show! It's just fabulous! ...and I'll be wearing tights."
Posted on 7/05/2007
caption:
"Oh, oh, oh! Eeeek! Mr. ____, there's a mouse under your table!!!!"
That would be a tough name for me to remember. I'm glad I'm not a public figure of import.
MB
Posted on 7/06/2007
Oh, there's no way to forget it now. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it...
(And Lavida Loca was one of the first things that came to mind as a way to remember it just in case the whole Levitra episode ever slipped my mind... not that it will...)
Posted on 7/06/2007
Sorry. One more. Caution: Its pg13
"See these hands? These hands right here are what you call boob-free."
Posted on 7/06/2007
"These are not Spirit Fingers....THESE are Spirit Fingers!"
Love it, too funny!
Posted on 7/06/2007
Almost as good as your sister's teaching story regarding a "Hair Piece"...
Posted on 8/21/2007