Crackhead (referring to a plush Snoopy doll): What's the bird on his head's name? It starts with a "W"... Birdie?... I know it starts with a "W"... Herbie?... Woodfall?... Woodstock! I knew it started with a "W."

Brother's Girlfriendiancé: I am the MVP: Most Improved Player

Crackhead (to sister's fiancé, Sgt. Killer, who is on leave from duty in Iraq): Does stoned only mean with drugs?
Sgt. Killer: Um... no, I suppose we could use rocks.

Sister (speaking about a gift recently sent to Sgt. Killer): He said he needed t-shirts, so I just assumed he meant white ones, not military brown.
The Colonel (my father): Why didn't you just send him shirts with a bullseye painted on them?

Crackhead: You're gonna squish my head! They're gonna call me Pointy Face!

The Colonel: What are we supposed to deck the halls with?
Cach: Boughs of holly.
The Colonel: Boughs?
Cach: Yeah. Holly wreaths.
The Colonel: Boughs?
Cach (spelling): B-O-U-G-H-S.
The Colonel: Like branches.
Cach: Yeah.
The Colonel: But then you're supposed to don gay apparel and that's where they lose me.

Crackhead: Next year we're going to have a toilet paper competition.

The Colonel: What does exfoliating mean?
Crackhead: It sloughs off dead skin cells.
The Colonel: Sluts off skin?
Crackhead: Sloughs! Sloughs!

Cach (to Sgt. Killer after he opened a gift): Is the underwear also military brown? Or not yet?