Cachinnatees, I know that one of the greatest sources of allure that keeps you coming back and reading here is the baffling mystery of my real identity.

I know... I know... it's a closely guarded secret known only to a select few. And I am always careful never to leave any context clues such as locations or employment information. That mystery keeps things alive for us.

But I now find it necessary to reveal my secret identity to you all since I need your help. Here's the story:

Among the many things that I do, I am an actor. Some years ago, after working my way up through a number of shows, I went professional and joined the prestigious Actors' Union. At that time, I was told I had to register my name with them since an actor's name is his trademark. I was then informed that my name was unavailable. I was afraid that might happen. You see, my name is Scott Baker. It's not the most unusual or unique name, but it is my own. So I thought there was a decent chance that a Scott Baker had already joined the union. (I later found out that the extant Scott Baker is a middle-aged gay magician... I didn't quite consider it an auspicious beginning to my professional performing career.) So I had to figure out what I was going to call myself.

I needed something that fit my appearance and personality. I needed a name that wouldn't cause cognitive dissonance with the casting agents and directors who would be seeing me. I first suggested spelling my name differently, like Scot Baker or Scott Bakker. (With the latter, I figured I could always use it as an amusing conversation starter when asked about Jim and Tammy Faye.) But I was told that homonyms were not acceptable. So I next suggested using my middle initial, "R." I suggested Scott R. Baker. But I was told that a middle initial was not sufficient distinction. So that was out. I began to get stuck.

I realized I was going to have to make a real change. I started mixing things up and throwing in family names and came up with names like Baker Scott, Bronson Scott, Robin Scott, Scott Robin, Brent Scott, David Scott, and other variations.

I eventually settled on what is still my professional name: David Scott Baker. But here's the thing... living in Wacko, I don't exactly get much professional acting work these days. I'm a producer and director right now. But I have a show coming up. In July I'll be performing in The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged here in Wacko. So if you're anywhere near Central Tejas on July 14th, stop by!

Back to the matter at hand... I was on the phone last week with the Union asking about getting the contract straightened out. On a whim I decided to see if my given name had come available. It hadn't, but I decided to ask a question while I had the guy on the line. I asked if having a first initial would be sufficient differentiation. And I was told that it would. I could be D. Scott Baker or R. Scott Baker. So I requested the needed paperwork.

I downloaded it and was just about to fill it out when I had the following inner dialogue:

Me: Do I really care what my professional name is given that I'm not exactly working towards furthering my acting career right now?

Me Again: No, I really don't.

Me: So what if I changed my name to... say... Cookie Monster?

Me Again: That would be funny.

Me: I could change it to anything I wanted to! Who cares!

Me Again: That's true! I know I don't care!

Me: Sweet, let's do it.

So this is where you come in, Cachinnatees. I need help choosing a new stage name. I'm pretty sure I've got the huevos to file the paperwork to be listed as something completely ridiculous. All suggestions will be considered. I've already considered that it would be funny to change my name to Scott "Hot Legs" Baker, The Cachinnator, Beki Baker, Shaun Groves, and Bert Ernie.

Those are on the table. Now it's your turn. What will it be? How shall I be listed in the playbill at the show next month?