Clay the Intern opens a Facebook chat with me. His status reads, "Clay is in a relationship with GOLD medal winning gymnast Shawn Johnson." The following is a transcript of the conversation.

Intern: In the event that your old self time travels to the present and eats your new self, can I call dibs on Beeki?
Cach: Yeah... good luck with that.
Intern: Whatever, it's already a clause written into your will.
Cach: I'm not saying it's not a possibility. I'm actually wishing you luck with that. You'll need it. Also, would you care to define what kind of relationship you're in with Shawn Johnson? Does it have a legal definition? Is the term 'statutory' at all involved?
Intern: There is no statute of limitations on what Shawn and I have. Not in Utah, anyway.
Cach: This is the point in the conversation where I'm legally obligated to inform you of my intent to publish this conversation on my blog.
Intern: No one will notice. One comment on my farewell blog entry? Unacceptable.
Cach: I agree. I blame myself, really. I'll do better this time.
Intern: I think you should use the profile picture I had before this one (where I look surprised) and put Chris Hansen in my field of vision. Or Bill Paxton.
Cach: Email it to me and I'll get on it like you on underage girls.
Intern: ...
Cach: By the way, the polling shows that you living in the Hippodrome just edged you stalking Tina Fey. So... see you Monday morning, right?
Intern: I'm already there. Hiding under Cristina's desk.
Cach: You know that Cristina only looks 15, right? She's really 25.
Intern: Dammit!
Cach: I know. Better find another hiding place. I recommend the catacombs under the theatre. I've never fully explored them.
Intern: The Underground Railroad?!
Cach: Who knows?! More likely is that it leads to the county jail, though. That's where the previous TD used to get show labor. He'd bail them out. I kid you not.
Intern: Uh... the third season of Prison Break could take place at the 'drome. Maybe the catacombs lead to Warren Jeffs' ranch in central Texas.
Cach: Not bad. You want to pitch it? Maybe there's a reality series around the theatre as well. How would that go?
Intern: about which, the polygamists or Prison Break? Or both?
Cach: Oh, I think both. I mean, Jeffs is in prison now, right?
Intern: True. Looks like Wentworth Miller has his work cut out for him.
Cach: Now that's compelling television.
Intern: Throw in a washed-up, mid-nineties musician out to save the environment, and we've got a hit on our hands.
Cach: You make that work and your career is as golden as your child bride's medal.
Intern: I'm thinking Eagle Eye Cherry at this point. God help you if you type "speaking of cherries".
Cach: Hey, I was going to let that one go. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't cross my mind...
Intern: Dirty, dirty old man. That stupid Sting song is playing here...
Cach: More specific, please.
Intern: Desert Rose?
Cach: Ah, yes.
Intern: ((cringe))
Cach: I like that one. I like most of that album. But I don't listen to it daily. I don't really listen to the radio much at all.
Intern: I liked sting better when he referred to himself as the Police. And had two goons onstage with him to make it seem like they were a band. But really, it was just pre-tantra Sting.
Cach: I was waiting for tantra to enter this conversation. Well done.
Intern: I...uh...what? I said nothing about tantra in relation to Shawn Johnson.
Cach: You didn't need to.
Intern: On a completely unrelated note, she is an incredibly limber gymnast.
Cach: Just bury it down inside and get to work on that Prison Break from the Hippodrome with Warren Jeffs.
Intern: Wow, you're really gonna pass that one up? I'm lobbing softballs over here...
Cach: Not at all. Like I said, this is all blog-bound. I'm making sure you read as the pervert and I read as the voice of reason and morality. I think it'll work.
Intern: I think this should remain mostly intact. Even reading it as-is, I sound like a creep. Oops.
Cach: Don't worry, I only censor when it makes me look better or you look worse. So far no editing is necessary.
Intern: Or when people comment on your blog and you delete the comments. What's that about, anyway?
Cach: Never happened.
Intern: Lies.
Cach: You've seen first-hand. I already get embarrassingly few comments. I can't afford to delete any.
Intern: Third comment on "The Staff" was deleted by you. Who do you think you are, the Bush Administration?
Cach: Ah, ah, ah... read carefully. That comment was deleted by its author. And if you continue to threaten me, I will preemptively nuke your ass.
Intern: Oh...i see. The way it reads makes it seem like "the author of the blog", which would be you.
Cach: See? Democracy for all.
Intern: ((skepticism))
Cach: How does that look different than your normal face?
Intern: My eyebrow arches slightly higher. And my grimace is a bit more pronounced.
Cach: Makes total sense.