Cachinnatees, there is a great evil in our midst. It is so evil precisely because most people think so little of it. "Oh, I can have a little bit now and then and be fine," they say. But I am here to tell you that there are no "casual" or "social" users of this particular poison.

Of what vile substance am I speaking? Caffeine, Cachinnatees. Caffeine.

Snicker if you will. Scoff and condescend. But caffeine is the most heinous gateway drug known to man. One day you're enjoying a "harmless" soda and the next day - BAM! - you're a crackhead. The high just isn't enough for you anymore, is it? Today it's coffee, but tomorrow it's MURDER!

Think I'm exaggerating? I warned Forky, Cachinnatees. I warned him. "Stay out of the Evilbucks," I said. "Don't fill your system with that garbage," I said. He assured me he could handle it. But what is his life like now? He's back to stripping for cash and he recently confessed to me that he killed Mr. Squeakers. Mr. Squeakers' short life ended at the hands of a caffed-up murderous junkie named Forky.

Don't let Forky's story become yours. You can do something about it right now. Get help. It's not too late. Just put down the caffeine.