I. Hate. Movie. Theaters.

Posted by Anonymous On 4:22 AM

If I never went to the movie theater again in my life, that would be just fine with me.

I hate going to the movie theater. I hate it! I can think of few things in life that are more frustrating than going to the movie theater.

Before I tell my tale, bear in mind that tonight, we went to the "nice" movie theater in town. I have no doubt the other one would have been worse. I won't even lean my head back against the seat in that theater.

So, Beeki, Don Boscoe, Beffy and I went to see 300. I think it was good and that I liked it. (Either way, I think I've more than made up for the Vagina Monologues.) The evening began badly. We got to the theater and it looked full of kids barely able to get into a rated-R movie. We sat on the very back row because that way no one behind us would bother us and the back row had the least amount of mysterious liquid on the floor. The temperature inside the theater was a balmy 104°. As more people came it got even warmer. In response to the heat, a moron two rows in front of us stands up and yells to the entire theater, "Hey! How about we get an 'AC' chant going? AC! AC! AC! AC!" He seemed the kind of fellow who is entertained with the inane quotes by movie stars and puzzled by the movie trivia shown on slides before the movie. It all seemed a bad omen.

The movie began. That's when the coughing began as well. Not the polite muffled cough of someone trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, no... this was the whooping cough of a five year-old child. Now... I'm not sure what part of the trailers made his 22 year-old parents think, "Hmmmm... yes! This looks like something my six year-old would enjoy! And come to think of it, I'll bring his two year-old sister as well." So the child coughed. And coughed. And coughed. And coughed. With his mouth wide open. After about - I kid you not - twenty straight minutes of the kid hacking his guts out, his parents finally took him and left. It was right as the bloody battle scenes were starting. But don't worry: they stayed long enough for the half-naked prophetess to writhe around on screen about fifteen feet from where he was sitting. So if the cough doesn't kill him, the nightmares might.

Shortly after they left, the cell phone symphony began.

Then at the very climax of the movie, an empty-headed teenage fool sitting about seven seats down from me starts talking to his friend without making any effort to whisper or hush his voice. WHAT THE HELL COULD HE POSSIBLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT DURING THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE THAT COULDN'T WAIT TEN MINUTES?!?!?! I missed all the visuals from the climax because I was giving him and his puke-for-brains friend my dirtiest look until he made eye contact so I could mouth, "SHUT. UP."

As we're leaving the theater into the hall, a small circle of ignorami were removing their jewelry and preparing to fight while saying such edifying things as, "If you mess wit' him, you mess wit' me!" Managers were scrambling to find the cop on duty. Other movie-goers sipped their buckets of coke and stared as if this were pre-show entertainment.

Why do I even go to the movies? With the closing gap between theater and DVD it's not really that big of a deal to wait until I can see it at home. And sure, you lose something by not seeing it on the big screen with the big sound system, but at what price? Is it worth it? I don't think it is. I think I could be perfectly happy never going to the movie theater again. I can't even enjoy the movies there! What do you think?

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13 Cachinnations

  1. Seth Ward Said,

    Brother, I hate to say it... but I know the "nice" theater you speak of. Ghetto. G-H-E-T-T-O.

    Don't write off all off just yet. You wouldn't write off cars altoghether if you were stuck driving a 92 pontiac Grand Am would you? (I almost did)

    I hate that theater and it is the theater that I first saw the Matrix. I would rather drive to Dallas and watch one. There are two theaters that are availiable for us in our immediate area. One costs 1 dollar more and it is 17X as nice and quit. I'll pay the extra dollar ANY day for less idiots.

    Posted on 3/10/2007

     
  2. Chaotic Hammer Said,

    "Thus Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of
    others, are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members."

    -Emily Post, Etiquette

    Your experience brings up so many different subjects, Cach. One would be what I personally perceive to be a geniune lack of social decorum among the yutes of today. I realize that this has been the complaint of older generations since the beginning of recorded history, but I would probably agree with anyone who says that there is some actual, measurable, quantifiable increase in said lack during the current batch of yutes.

    I guess I'm sort of fortunate to be here in Nashville, especially since I'm a 15 minute drive from the Brentwood area (you know, where all the rich and famous people live). There are very nice theaters there, with stadium seating and nice, well-kept facilities. For the most part, I've found the people attending these movies to be reasonably quiet and respectful. We've only had a few bad experiences with loud or inconsiderate patrons there.

    Having said all that, I'm in agreement that it's usually better to just wait for the video now. That's why we invested in the big plasma TV and Bose sound system after we bought this house. There are still big-screen epics that must be seen at a theater (e.g. LotR, Star Wars, Matrix, etc) but the comfort and pleasantness of watching at home is a very nice thing for a majority of available movies.

    Posted on 3/10/2007

     
  3. Anonymous Said,

    I just kept wondering all night: What's to be done? Surely with as big business as movies are, the theater owners aren't going to let their establishments go the way of the video arcade, are they?

    With the arcade, people got tired of the places being overrun with hoodlums and gangstas. Technology improved and the video game experience in the home outstripped or matched the one in the arcade. Why put up with all the crap when you don't have to?

    So what about movie theaters? Surely they're facing the same problem. I have a few suggestions, and I'll say up front that I don't know that they are possible or legal, but they are where I'd start.

    1. Along the lines of what Hammer said, jack up the price. Offer a higher quality experience with better seating, service, food, sound, picture, etc., and charge for it. That would eliminate a lot of the teenagers. Now I hate to think that economic discrimination is the answer, but the goal is not to drive away the poor, it is to drive away the teenagers. My guess is that they'd head for the cheaper theater because they really don't care much about the movie anyway; it's just an excuse to "hang out" or whatever.

    2. Admit no one under the age of 21. There are a number of ways to do that. You could restrict admission for shows after, say, 9:00pm. Of you could make it theater policy for all showings. Now that's obviously not a sustainable economic model with theaters today. It would require extra planning to make up for the revenue gained from the under 21 crowd. Or, since most theaters are divided into two main sections, you could restrict access to one side of the theater to those 21 and over. Maybe it costs a bit extra, maybe not.

    3. Really jack up the service and change the behavioral policies. Institute a code of behavior for the theater and a no-tolerance policy for violating that code. Place employees, like bouncers, inside each theater whose only job is to remove anyone violating that code. Is that legal? Possible?

    What else could be done?

    Posted on 3/10/2007

     
  4. Seth Ward Said,

    pepper spray available for people over 25.

    The price thing works btw. Even if it is a dollar. Kids will go to the cheaper one every time. The ones that pay more know why they are paying more.

    Posted on 3/10/2007

     
  5. Fork Said,

    Did you steal this post from my blog? This sounds JUST like something I would write!!

    Congratulations on your first step down the road to Angstville! It's only a matter of time before your parents start sending you emails telling you to seriously consider a career change! No! Seriously!

    Posted on 3/10/2007

     
  6. Karen S Said,

    I think that I've seen one movie at the theatre in the last... year at least, if not longer. I'm totally with you.

    Posted on 3/11/2007

     
  7. Sarah Said,

    You could turn your bakery (not your house) into a swanky private movie theater that only shows select films at a certain cost for ages 21 and up. Then get a liquor license so you can serve beverages as well as ensure that the annoying minors stay away.

    Posted on 3/11/2007

     
  8. Red Said,

    I'm not sure the price increase overall would make a difference. The price of movies in the last 10 years has over doubled and the kids still keep coming. And don't be fooled, there are many an inconsiderate adults out there as sell. We can't blame this on the younger folks exclusively. I think there are plenty of older idiots out there as well.

    We pretty much avoid the movies. It's too expensive, considering in 4 months you can own the DVD for less than seeing it once, and it's too much of a headache. We go to about 4-5 a year and that's for the big ones we can't wait to see like Spiderman, Xmen, Transformers, et. al.

    Thanks to Blockbuster for coming up with the online/in store program whereby for $6 a month we can enjoy more movies than we can watch and helping us avoid the theater experience at all costs. ;)

    Posted on 3/12/2007

     
  9. Alan Said,

    I think that congress should pass a law that if anyone answers their cell phone inside of a movie theatre, that any one of the other patrons inside the theatre will be allowed to stab that person in the neck and bleed out all over the floor. Well... maybe that is a little extreme, but you get how I feel about this particular subject. I like Cach went to a "movie theatre" and saw 300. It was an absolutely fantastic movie. I was very excited about this film because it was based upon a graphic novel by the legendary Frank Miller (he also wrote Sin City). I researched the film, watched mini segments of the movie, and got to the theatre 50 minutes before the showing. I went to a late show hoping for less of a crowd. I was totally pyched about this film. But living in a small town in South Dakota, the "movie theatre" leaves much to be desired (to clue you in on the type of people go to this theatre "Wild Hogs" was completely sold out for all showings). I also had a young man who felt necessary to express his opinion on the movie, while it was still going on. Since he was behind me, I gave him the dreaded "stare". At which he gave me a dirty look back, but he ceased his conversation with buddy.
    What I don't understand is how a person would feel that it is socially acceptable to talk during a film? Are people that self-absorbed that they don't realize that they are disturbing the movie experience for everyone else? I think that the difference might lie in that some people just go to a movie because they have nothing else to do, and some people (like me) go because they appreciate the total experience of a film.
    I don't know if their will ever be a perfect solution to this problem because even young teenage jerks grow-up and become old jerks. I think no matter where you live, how much the cost of admission, or if there is an age limit, people are still going to act like idiots in a movie theatre.

    But even with the small displeasures that go along with seeing a film in the theatre, I still feel as if you must experience the epic films in their natural environment.

    Posted on 3/12/2007

     
  10. Moderator Said,

    Do you like gladiator movies? Have you ever seen a grown man naked? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

    Posted on 3/12/2007

     
  11. Anonymous Said,

    Not to worry, Cach. The solution is close at hand. We are turning our gameroom into an in-home theatre, complete with BIG screen tv, surround sound, and those comfy theatre seats that recline and have have cupholders. You will love it so much that you will move to Houston, not to be with your in-laws, but to be able to enjoy your movies in peace and comfort. Yes, this is written by Beeki's mom. I got brave enough to comment!

    Posted on 3/12/2007

     
  12. Meg Said,

    So is the movie worth seeing? Ben Witherington had a post about it recently too: http://benwitherington.blogspot.com/

    Posted on 3/13/2007

     
  13. Fork Said,

    I have no sympathy for Christians who complain that Hollywood doesn't make quality family entertainment anymore. It's called THE CLASSICS. Did you know there was a time when movies had to follow a code of ETHICS? That's right.

    Maybe if the original "Love Affair" with Irene Dunne and Charles Boyer had CGI people would like it again.

    Posted on 3/13/2007