Mary's Professional Virginity

Posted by Anonymous On 3:02 AM

Beeki and I had lunch with Seth and Amber Ward of Five Cent Stand last week. Amber and I go way back to the days of yore and the theatre. (Yore is circa 1999) Seth and I have become the best of friends over the past year or so. So it was nice to have lunch with them. Beeki's not in the picture because she had to leave for a rehearsal. (That's the glamorous showbiz life...)



We had lovely conversation about hare-brained schemes and theology and showbiz and such. Among the topics up for discussion:

- Will we poop in heaven? This hearkens back to a question Seth posed on his blog. I brought up the fact that after the resurrection Jesus had a body and ate a fish. Therefore, if he ate a fish then I suspect he pooped a fish.

- The professional virginity of Mary. The slight slip of the tongue during a discussion of Catholicism that lead down this rabbit hole had us imagining the life of the professional virgin: "I obviously don't have any kids to take care of me, so my virginal income is all that I have to support me in my old age!"

- How to get out of student loan debt. We came up with a solution: start hanging out in really shady neighborhoods until you witness a heinous crime. Then make sure the perp spots you and get yourself put in the witness protection program! Ta da!

- A video series of making people uncomfortable in church. With a hidden camera in place, we would sit next to the church ladies and do things like make change in the offering plate, wave our hands about in a denominationally inappropriate way, pretend to get the toots during the sermon (complete with contorted facial expressions), and give them the "come hither" eyebrows during the songs. I'd watch it.

I'm so impressed at our intellectualism and maturity.

Hope you all had a good long weekend.

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11 Cachinnations

  1. FancyPants Said,

    Wow I had no idea we sound so strange.

    P.S. I love the phrase "denominationally inappropriate."

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  2. Red Said,

    I'm both scared and drawn to these ideas...very strange...

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  3. The Cliff Said,

    Why do i have such weird friends?

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  4. Meg Said,

    Cach, may I just say that you look very handsome in the pic and that you can definitely tell that you've lost some weight. Congrats on all the hard work.

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  5. Douglas Said,

    The slip of the tongue does raise interesting questions. How does one make a living who has made his or herself "a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matt 10:11-12). In early apostolic times, there were provisions for the Church to support widows who would remain unmarried and devote themselves to the service of others (I Timothy 5), but what about younger people, especially women who did not have the same economic opportunities to support themselves as men had in apostolic times? Paul in I Cor 7:25-27 suggests that all people remain unmarried (as he was) in order to better serve the Lord, but how would that work for a woman? Would they simply remain in their father's home? Acts mentions that Philip the evangelist had 4 virgin daughters who prophesied. That's alot of marriageable women to have under one's roof at a single time, so I suppose that might be what was happening there. However, that is admittedly a stretch given the dearth of evidence. Also, what if their parents died? I wonder how the prophetess Anna supported herself all those years (Luke 2:36-37).

    MB

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  6. Anonymous Said,

    See, Seth? Your little slip of the tongue there inspired not only my mockery but also serious theological discussion!

    Scene at the County Office for the Unsexed

    Professional Virgin: Yes, I'm here to collect my check.

    Clerk: Fine, you'll just answer a few questions. Did you have sex this month?

    PV: No.

    Clerk: Did you try to have sex this month?

    PV: No.

    Clerk: Did you think or dream about having sex this month?

    PV: Does that count?

    Clerk: No, but accounting requires the question.

    PV: Oh, in that case, yes.

    Clerk: Which? Thinking or dreaming?

    PV: Both.

    Clerk: Mmm-hmm. Well, this seems to be in order. Sign here and have a chaste month.

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  7. Seth Ward Said,

    Ha!

    The question is: What does a professional virgin do?

    Is she hired to crash make-out session in the back of trucks?

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  8. Moderator Said,

    I laughed out loud at the poop question. Since, you're not entirely sure, could you call in to "The 700 Club" and ask them? I will TiVo it for good measure.

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  9. FancyPants Said,

    Oh, I already did. Ole' Pat said that anyone who thinks you poop in heaven obviously was never really saved to begin with and should be assassinated.

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  10. Seth Ward Said,

    Actually, he said that he no longer poops at all. Which would explain a few things.

    The end.

    Posted on 5/29/2007

     
  11. Sarah Said,

    You know, this professional virginity thing isn't a bad idea. If today's youth received a monthly stipend for keeping their pants on (they'd have to prove it of course), Planned Parenthood would go out of business.

    Posted on 6/01/2007