I'll Fix Your Life

Posted by Anonymous On 1:57 PM

I know, the title is quite a lofty promise. But since I'm still on a high from my triumph in teaching everyone how to get a better cell phone plan, I figured I'd keep doling out the advice.

This is priceless: You know how sometimes you have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee? So you get up, stumble into the bathroom and then face a choice: either you can turn on the light and blind yourself or try to pee in the dark. Option two is easier for women than men but more men try it than women. Women are often not pleased with the results. But if you turn on the lights you're blind and really awake after you're done and are trying to get back in bed. So what to do?

I pioneered this method last year while actively trying to increase my water intake. I've been testing it ever since, and I'm pleased with the results. What do you do? You close one eye and turn on the light. Keep that eye closed the whole time you're peeing and washing your hands! (Guys especially... don't forget to wash your hands.) Then, when you're ready to go back to bed, turn off the light and switch which eye is opened and which eye is closed. That way the pupil of the eye you kept closed can stay dilated and will help you see in the dark on your way back to bed and your light-exposed eye will be shut to prevent the blindness! It's brilliant!

Sure, you may be laughing at me now and mocking my nerdiness, but you'll try it next time you wake up to pee. And then you can thank the Cachinnator for fixing your life. You're welcome.

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12 Cachinnations

  1. CXLink Said,

    I turn on the light but keep both eyes closed. After weeks of clean up, I just started using the sink, the running water is soothing.

    Posted on 2/20/2008

     
  2. Anonymous Said,

    I know your wife. You're a dead man walking if she reads this.

    Posted on 2/20/2008

     
  3. The Cliff Said,

    you are a strange man...

    Posted on 2/20/2008

     
  4. diadelkendall Said,

    I have been doing this since college. Likely this is one of the many seeds of genius that I planted during your apprenticeship. It is good to see it growing. The best use of this is at movie theaters or shows. Nothing is more embarrassing than sitting down and kissing the wrong beautiful brunet on the mouth for several minutes. Then again I guess that happens to some folks in their own homes in the middle of the night. (lucky fellas)
    If you feel embarrassed at the one-eye squint (REFERRING TO THE EYES WITH PUPILS, PEOPLE) bring a patch and let out as many "yar!" and "me harty" comments as you feel.

    Posted on 2/20/2008

     
  5. Grizham Said,

    Could I blame you for ruining mine?

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  6. Red Said,

    Thank you cach, for this post and subsequent comments has helped me solve the "mystery ring" in the sink...it's all clear to me now...

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  7. Anonymous Said,

    Saint Antic, you are more than welcome to do so. It probably is my fault anyway. But I stand by the eye thing.

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  8. The Secret Life of Kat Said,

    Um...why not use a nightlight?

    We have closets in our bathroom, so I just turn on a closet light and leave the door closed so that it's not too bright.

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  9. Beeki Said,

    Just pee before you go to bed, people!!!

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  10. Grizham Said,

    I wouldn't really know. We don't really lie around and sleep within the ether. Though, I could try the eye thing when appearing on a piece of toast

    Posted on 2/21/2008

     
  11. Shane Alexander Said,

    Dude, just cash in your man pride and sit down to pee when it's dark.

    Posted on 2/25/2008

     
  12. Anonymous Said,

    And let the Germans win?

    I don't think so, Shane.

    Posted on 2/25/2008