Criteria

Posted by Anonymous On 2:00 AM

I don't usually wish that Bert and Ernie could talk. I've accepted that they're pretty dumb and usually aren't actually thinking anything. I also don't think of them as people, so I don't converse with them like some loons do with their pets.

But... if they could talk, even if it was only for like fifteen seconds and I could only ask them one thing, it would be this: What exactly is the criteria for a good place to poop in the backyard? Seriously. Especially when it's cold or wet, what makes one particular spot of grass that you sniffed for five minutes to find better than any other spot of grass for you to crap on?

That's all I'd want to know.

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3 Cachinnations

  1. Seth Ward Said,

    And... "are you really embarrassed when you poop or is that just a doggie-grunting look?"

    Posted on 3/11/2008

     
  2. Chaotic Hammer Said,

    I've often wondered about this important question, Cach.

    I have two different theories:

    1) There really is some sort of established, secret canine criteria for determining the most desirable place to drop a load.

    2) There are wires crossed in the canine brain. So when two operations are occurring simultaneously (one being the sniffing and smelling, the other being the sensation of poo moving rapidly toward the exit), the brain goes into overload and assumes that one sense is related to the other. In other words, the closer the poop moves to exiting, the more convinced the pooch becomes that what he is currently smelling constitutes the "perfect place to poo", without any additional criteria actually being involved. So the moment the poop-exiting process reaches the critical stage, the brain sends a signal to the olfactory senses that says "What you're smelling right at this moment is the perfect smell for a poop spot. Let 'er rip!"

    Clearly, I've thought about this a bit more than is healthy.

    Posted on 3/11/2008

     
  3. FancyPants Said,

    I don't usually wish that Bert and Ernie could talk.

    I don't believe you.

    Posted on 3/12/2008