The Food Rules
by Beeki
by Beeki
I’m not quirky. I’m right.
Food should not touch on the plate. I know, I know, this is when all the freaks of the world unite with the same old mantra: “But the food touches in our stomachs!” Well, guess what people? That idea grosses me out even more and then I have to start considering the repercussions of going anorexic once and for all. That thought leads me down another path where I start considering driving down to Mexico for some sort of leg-lengthening operation where they add four inches to my body, which of course leads me down another path where I win “America’s Next Top Model” and marry some old dude from the Brady Bunch and…dear God, do you see where the illogic of the mantra has led me??
In any case, I decided that perhaps I should write down the rules of food-touching and food-eating so that those of you who do not understand the total normalcy of my condition can see how completely logical it really is:
1. First rule of Food Rules: You DO NOT discuss Food Rules.
2. Food with a variety of sauces and tastes should be served in individual bowls, or better yet, those cafeteria style plates where everything is divided.
3. If an undivided plate must be used, the individual foods on it must have at least one inch space between them. Foods that are allowed to touch in general: rice and beans. I like rice because it soaks up the sauces, and since it is flavorless, it takes in the other flavors. Unacceptable: more than one sauce touching the rice.
4. Salad dressing is never to touch anything but the salad. Stick to ranch. It never swishes around the plate. Rolls are okay to touch the salad, but the part that touches the sauce must be eaten quickly for fear of sogginess.
5. Milk must be freezing cold to drink. If you think the milk is bad, IT’S BAD. Don’t go by the expiration date. The people in the milk bottle company could put any date on those that they want. Perhaps I should call Anderson Cooper to get him to do an exposé on this.
6. Orange juice must be pulp-free. Pulp feels like hair going down my throat.
7. Pig product (bacon, pork, ham, etc.) is disgusting and should be avoided at all costs. Pepperoni is a gray area because it just tastes so damn good on pizza.
8. Seafood is also gross. Especially if you are in a land-locked state.
9. Stay away from Ethiopian food altogether. Dear God, it’s all ABOUT mixing it all together.
10. At Thanksgiving, follow the rules, no matter what. This system does restrict the amount of food one can get on the plate, but once you have consumed the food, you can always wash and dry the plate and start over.
There, now those weren’t too difficult, were they? Okay, so perhaps I am quirky…what do you think? Any rules I left out? Any ones you disagree with? Or have you stopped reading and started praying for Cach’s future?
-Beeki
16 Cachinnations
I'm adding a rule...
11. When in doubt, grab one large-sized bowl start with rice on the bottom and then start stacking everything else on top until you have one bowl containing all the food that you feel like eating.
just for you Beeki
Posted on 1/28/2008
Oh, God, not one of those DEATH BOWLS from KFC!!! I really can't think of anything worse. Why even eat if it's all mixed together? Why not just stick it in your pooper and call it a day?
Posted on 1/28/2008
Precursor to a Beeki blog???
I think you should let us pick the name of the blog if you do...
How 'bout: "My Achy Beeki Blog."
Posted on 1/28/2008
Ladies and gentlemen... I believe we have a new quote line for the blog. Thank you, Beeki.
As for a Beeki blog... I'd read it, but you'll have to talk her into it.
Also, if it weren't already obvious, these rules needed to be published because I violate them all.
Posted on 1/29/2008
Haha! Thanks, Seth. I am adding a rule just for you:
11. Oyster crackers are evil and must be destroyed. They have staged a coup and are now trying to kill people that I like.
Posted on 1/29/2008
That is one good rule. It shall be obeyed. Have I mentioned how fun it is to blog with your iPhone?
My veriword is elomo. Which means.. A very cold muppet?
Posted on 1/29/2008
I had another rule when I was a kid. Not only must the food not touch, but you have to eat all of one kind of food at a time. First all the veggies, then all the potatoes or rice and then the meat.
Posted on 1/29/2008
Don't worry, Karens. That's not crazy either.
Posted on 1/29/2008
Beeki, how do these rules apply to an icecream sundae. How do you feel, for example, about a scoop of vanilla AND chocolate in the same bowl with chocolate syrup AND nuts AND whipped cream on top?
Food touching is sounding better and better!
Posted on 1/29/2008
This must be opposite day, because those rules only make sense in the inverse.
Posted on 1/29/2008
Hey! I like Ethiopian food!
Plus the second rule should be don't talk about food rules.
Posted on 1/29/2008
You know as well as I know that the 'Death Bowls' are not as good as KFC claims. I'm talking about Thanksgiving. Start with the stuffing, add the turkey, cranberry sauce, yams, and anything else you can think of then cover the whole thing up with some Sauce!! It's amazing. Everyone uses plates but i say, out with the plates, lets use punch bowls for thanksgiving!!
Posted on 1/29/2008
Ice cream sundaes are great! Mix the chocolate and vanilla and nuts and whip cream as much as you want, because those things are MEANT to touch! The ice creams can touch because they are of the same type of food. Nuts and whip cream are acceptable "topping" items.
Don Boscoe, you know why you recently had butt surgery? Your body is rebelling against your food endeavors. Why eat Thanksgiving dinner if it all tastes like gravy?
Posted on 1/29/2008
Don Boscoe just had butt surgery?
Posted on 1/29/2008
Yes, Don Boscoe had butt surgery on Jan 3rd. He's still recovering. And it had nothing to do with thanksgiving dinner.
Posted on 1/30/2008
That's not what I heard.
And it's certainly not the rumor I've been spreading.
Posted on 1/30/2008