It's true.

I was born sans derrière. I blame my father. I look like him, so who else would I blame? It's not like I blame him for everything. I lack a fear of speaking in front of people and an ease of communication thanks to him.

But I'm assless.

I'm not irrationally self-conscious about my appearance, but I am tired of having to constantly pull my pants up because even with my belt on its tightest notch can't win against gravity. So what are my options?

Butt implants? Nah, I'm not a fan of cosmetic surgery. I think it's pretty vain and self-indulgent. And besides, I remember from my last knee surgery when I was waiting for the epidural to wear off. I kept checking to see if feeling had returned below my waist by grabbing my own butt and it felt like I was grabbing some other guy's cheek. That creeped the heck out of me. I can't help but imagine that if I had butt implants I would perpetually feel like I was sitting on someone else's ass.

Stuffing? I could always take a cue from middle school girls and just stuff some tissue paper or socks down there. But really, I'm afraid that to achieve any really noticeable effect, I'd have to have like a box a day habit. And I'm not sure I'm willing to make that kind of commitment. I could stuff with something else, but I don't really want to deal with the butt sweat issue. (Of course, if it were socks down there, they might absorb the butt sweat... but... nah, then I'd have laundry issues.)

Technology? I could develop the buttless man's version of Victoria's Secret's push-up bra: the push-up boxer brief. It could have that spongy stuff sewn in to the material. It would look and feel like natural cheek from outside the clothes. (Not that I have a huge problem with disappointing people who grab my butt only to find false advertising.) But the problem with that is the same problem that I understand exists with the push-up bra: underwire. I don't like chafing. So that's out too.

I find myself left with only one possible solution that makes any sense: J-Lo's Super Butt Growth Formula.



It's called "Glow" and for some reason it's kept in the perfume section. But this is clearly meant as an herbal posterior enhancer. I mean, come on, what else would you put in a bottle that shape? I've started with just a few spritzes a day. I spray, rub it in, flex a few times, and I'm good to go. I think I can feel a difference already! Soon, I too will get noticed from behind. Soon my jeans will stay up. Soon I will be able to sit comfortably for more than twenty minutes. Soon my butt bones won't leave imprints in my wallet.

I don't know what's in that stuff. But God bless J Lo and her crusade to plump my butt.