Generally speaking, I am able to keep a healthy perspective on all things. I'm really not afraid of anything like the dark, enclosed spaces, or false teeth. I think that's how neuroses and phobias develop. It starts with a small fear that grows in your mind until it becomes a monstrous beast that controls your life. You have to keep perspective in order to starve these fears out before they can rule you.
That said... I do have one obsession bordering on OCD: credit card offers in my mail. They didn't used to be a problem. I would tear them in half and throw them away with nary a concern in the world. But then my wife bought me a shredder. It is slowly ruining my life. Now all I can think about is potential identity theft. I have to ritualistically shred every piece of mail that comes in the credit card offer that could even possibly be used to sign up for said card. I feed them in and then watch them come out in strips below. Sometimes... I even separate the bin in two parts and make sure they end up in different trash bags. I'm a sick man.
Now, I never take out any of the credit card offers or really even give them a second thought. I'm morally opposed to credit cards and am working very hard to be a lean, mean, financially-responsible machine. And all this financial focus and discipline has got me thinking: maybe I could make better use of my shredding time. I think I'll make shredding credit card offers my rosary. With each paper I'll recite this prayer:
I pray the Lord my identity to guard,
If I should want to borrow more,
Pray God will close the Best Buy stores.
Amen.
14 Cachinnations
Amen
See thats what happens when you get a wife...allbeit a beautiful wonderful one like yours....they do one little thing and make you completely paranoid....not me...no sir...my identity is out there for all to steal...it helps if you are legally registered at at least 3 different address as well...i mean...i hear it...
(sidenote to big brother the internet watcher) I'm not really registered at 3 addresses...i'm an honest hardworking american....there's no reason at all to tap my phones or monitor my internet activity.
Posted on 5/31/2006
you're too funny, but I think if you'd been really serious about that financial responsibility, you'd have ended with the official version:
"If I should want to borrow more than I make
I pray the Lord my soul to take"
Now that's hardcore. thanks for the bday wishes too.
Posted on 5/31/2006
Here's an idea: Shred the application, fold the remnants into a nice, neat piece of blank paper, and mail it back to the credit card company courtesy of the "no postage necessary" envelope they put in with the original application. They can have their junk mail back!
Posted on 5/31/2006
Sarah, that's actually not bad...
Posted on 5/31/2006
Cach - I think I'm worse than you. I shred anything that has my name or address on it. Even random junk mail.
I even shred those little plastic "fake" credit card things that come attached to the credit card offers, and are stuck to the paper with those little rubbery clear booger things.
'Cuz you never know when someone might get hold of one of those, and try to charge something to my account under the name "John Q. Customer" on an account number that's all zeros.
I used to have a cheap shredder that just cut the paper into long strips. But last year, I upgraded. Now my documents are sliced, diced, split, ripped, torn, severed, stripped, lacerated, ruptured, chipped, chopped, mangled, minced, and pulverized.
I defy anyone to find a single recognizable numeral or letter of the alphabet on any scrap of paper in my hermetically sealed shredder bin.
Posted on 5/31/2006
Shredorexic? Identorexic? Credit card offorexic? I'm not sure about this one...
Posted on 5/31/2006
I put all my paper in my paper recycle bin! Does that count as shredding it?
Posted on 5/31/2006
Pure genious!
Posted on 5/31/2006
"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and, desert you...."
Heeeyy. How have I missed out on all this shredding fun. How much are one of those suckers anyway?
Posted on 5/31/2006
Thanks alot, Cach. I checked my mail today and got at least FOUR credit card applications with my name on them, and now I'm freaking out! I don't have a shredder! Great. Just great.
BTW! I purchased the famous lip balm today! Burt's Bees. And it's delightful. I put some on hours ago, and my lip still feel fantastic. I got the ever so delicious strawberry flavored lip gloss. And some chapstick.
And guess what, Forky! My chapstick is honey flavored! That means they just HAVE to have peanut butter flavor! I'll keep an eye out.
Posted on 5/31/2006
Actually, my lipS feel fantastic. I did apply it to both, not just one.
Posted on 5/31/2006
Good stuff, eh Fancy? You'll be ever so pleased, especially as the Texas sun gets hotter and brighter. Your lipS will thank you. And sorry to add identity theft to your list of paranoia. What am I doing here? First babies on the highway and now identity theft. I'm a cancer to the blissfully ignorant among us! Stop me before I give you all another irrational fear!
Seth, the shredders are surprisingly affordable. You can get a little one like the one I have for somewhere in the $35 neighborhood. But the peace of mind is priceless. I'm working on something special to pay tribute to Rick Astley.
Posted on 5/31/2006
Great, they are opening a Best Buy in Blacksburg. I'M DOOMED!
Maybe my first purchase should be a paper shrerder?
Posted on 6/01/2006
Aaaahhhh, the irony.
Posted on 6/01/2006